you are a nervous novice contemplating your first
experience, or a weekly visitor at the local house of
domination, read this article to learn how to find the
Dominatrix of your dreams and how not to be Her
nightmare. My conversations with numerous Mistresses over
the years have revealed common experiences and
preferences in regards to the conduct and procedure for
booking appointments. Below I outline crucial advice for
the submissive client seeking a session.
List your fetishes:
Make a list of the your likes/dislikes. Pay attention to
your fantasies, if you fantasize about a certain fetish
frequently usually you will enjoy it in session.
Categorize your list into things that you (a) know you
like, (b) are willing to try, and (c) do not want to do.
Don't leave anything out because you are embarrassed or
scared, wish you didn't want it, or think the Mistress
will lose respect for you. These mistakes will only keep
you from realizing your true fantasies.
Determine your limits:
Go back over your list. Estimate your threshold for each
activity by comparing it to prior experiences with
intense sensations that you found erotic (or past S/M
scenes). Realistically evaluate whether you want light,
medium or heavy play in each area of interest. Remember
that each activity may be combined with additional
sensory input during a session, which will multiply your
perception. Novices should start with light play only;
you can always increase the intensity. And most
importantly don't say "you can do anything with me,
Mistress" because an experienced Dominatrix will use that
opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges
thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle
it. Don't try to impress by overstating your limits...
Some activities require specific toys and equipment.
Figure out your special needs such as: suspension rig,
cross dress wardrobe, electric shock devices, etc. Don't
assume that every Mistress can provide the correct
equipment. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for
something unusual such as "cabled knee socks", go out and
buy some to present to the Mistress in
Decide what you need in a Dominatrix:
Think about what are the most important qualities you
would like to find in a Mistress. Consider such elements
as personality, physical appearance, and style of play.
Some Mistresses have a friendly, compassionate, flexible
play style while other Mistresses have a distant,
haughty, imperial play style. In order to learn about a
client's preferences, I often ask them (a) who they have
seen in the past, (b) what worked with her, and (c) what
did not work. Try going over your history to determine
the fundamental characteristics for a successful
encounter. Determine what sort of relationship you want.
Do you like the short term, anonymity that a house, which
employs several Dommes, can provide or do you prefer a
long-term personal interaction with an independent
Independent or house?
Decide which is right for you an independent Domme who
works for herself or a Dominatrix on staff at a house of
domination. There are pros and cons for each. Women who
work independently often have a private studio (sometimes
shared with another Domme), are more experienced and
sincere, and offer a more personal connection. However
independents are generally more expensive, more selective
about their submissives, and less likely to see you at
the last minute. Houses are less expensive, convenient,
and offer opportunity for group sessions. However, the
Mistresses at a house are sometimes less experienced, and
may not be genuinely into the scene.
Look at ads:
Keeping your own Dominatrix needs in mind, look at
advertisements in DDI, local papers, and on the web. Take
cues from the ads regarding the attitude, interests,
dislikes, intensity, and style of the Dommes. Look for
mentions of your specific fetish but don't assume that a
Mistress is not into your scene just because it isn't
listed in her ad. Be wary of a Dominatrix who doesn't
show her face - this denotes a reluctance to be
associated with S/M, which I see as an indication that
she isn't really into the scene (a generalization - not
true in every case). Do not allow yourself to be swayed
away from your specific needs just because a Mistress
looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite
fetish wear you will be disappointed if you are
mismatched in other crucial areas.
Don't think that less is more; don't try to save money by
going to someone based on tribute alone, if she doesn't
know what she is doing she could seriously hurt you. If
finances are a concern I advise visiting a well-known
house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive Mistress
who probably won't have much equipment, wardrobe or
experience and might not be safe. Dominas with fully
equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high
overhead, and demand a higher tribute, but they generally
have more technical and safety expertise.
How to write a letter or e-mail:
Write a polite, submissive, concise note outlining your
specific interests including your thresholds (i.e., light
spanking, heavy CBT). Enclose whatever information or
tribute she has requested or you may not receive an
answer. Dominas often screen applicants by ignoring the
ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity, this is
necessary because so many applicants are insincere and
Mistresses receive many many letters and e-mails. Unless
requested, you do not have to mail a photo or e-mail a
JPEG image of yourself. Clearly indicate the dates you
going to be in her area if traveling and write well in
advance as most Dommes get so much correspondence they
can't keep up. Including contact information (e-mail,
phone, pager) will greatly increase your sincerity rating
in her eyes. If you are worried about discretion, get a
pager or voicemail number or buy an inexpensive P.O. box.
Believe Me, it is well worth the investment. Make sure
your address or contact info is on every page of your
letter - more than once I have lost the envelope for
letters that only had the return address on the envelope.
Finally wait and wait and wait for a reply. She is
probably not going to have time to get back to you
Of course you will be nervous when you call, that is
expected, everybody is nervous. Just make the call. Then
follow my directions:
Introduce yourself before you start asking questions.
Everyday I have to interrupt rude callers to find out
whom I am speaking to... most annoying!
b) If you are making up a name choose something
unusual instead of Bob, Steve, or John there are
already too many of those make up something unusual
and easy to remember - for both of you.
c) Call at a decent time.
d) If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She
is there to answer your questions and book
appointments. Leaving a message for the Mistress
probably won't get a response unless she already knows
e) When speaking to a Dominatrix ask if she is seeing
new clients, tell her what you want, ask questions
about her facility, experience level, her specialties
or interests, hours, tribute, etc. However, don't try
to press her into saying she does certain things such
as golden showers, or dildo training. Those activities
are illegal and she may not want to discuss them on
the phone or she may deny that she does them. Indicate
your interest in those areas and see if she still
encourages you to visit her.
f) Remember that she is assessing you so don't keep
her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle
chitchat, let her know that you respect and value her
g) Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if
you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all
h) Don't hang up when she answers or call just to hear
her voice on the machine - she might have caller ID or
*69 to call you back, and it will make her angry with
i) Don't make an appointment if she seems overly pushy
to book you, it sounds like you won't like her, she is
too bossy or disrespectful, or you seem
j) Don't book a time if you can't make it or you
aren't really sure (I turn down anyone who sounds the
least bit doubtful).
k) Write down the directions and address including
suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and
the answers to your questions so that you can review
l) If you can't keep your appointment, call to cancel
as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because
no-shows cost money if she saves time for you.
Call to confirm as instructed. Be on time. Leave if she
seems to be drunk or on drugs because that is a very
dangerous combination with BDSM. Leave if the Dominatrix
is not who you saw in the photo. Leave if there is no
equipment or wardrobe (if these elements are important to
you). Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly
maintained because it may indicate unsafe
What to expect in session:
A receptionist might answer the door, or the Mistress may
answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a
room for her to finish up with another client. You might
have to fill out a questionnaire about your
likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front.
You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief
meeting with the Mistress (but legally she can't tell you
to undress without risk, so take a hint). She might give
you a safe-word (a word that will let her know you can't
take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act
according to her directions - some Mistresses demand
strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others
don't care if you act submissive. Don't have unrealistic
expectations - the session will not match your fantasies
perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line
script. Be open to her and let her do her thing - you
might find it better than your script.
What NOT to expect in session:
Realize that when a Mistress says "no sex" she truly
means it in the broadest interpretation. Know that she
won't be taking off her clothes, dancing, massaging, or
letting you kiss intimate body parts - go see someone
else for these activities.
What to do so that she will let you come back:
Be clean. Be respectful. Be obedient. If you really want
to make an impression, bring her a little something such
as a gag, blindfold, scented candle or flowers. Go over
your likes/dislikes with the receptionist or Domina so
that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a sheet about
your interests but do not expect her to accept it. Speak
up if she has pushed beyond your limits - a good Domme
will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don't
try to impress by surpassing your limits. Understand that
she may have another client waiting so don't hang around
so long that she has to come out and tell you about her
next appointment. Help her to clean up. Demonstrate your
gratitude - tell her how great the session was and that
you want to see her again.
If she works in a house of domination, tip her. She only
gets a percentage of the full tribute. It is not
necessary to tip an independent Mistress.
Afterwards write down your impressions, wait a few days
to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find
activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually
exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some
BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and
relished after the act. That is a part of masochism -
doing things that you don't like. Evaluate whether you
want to see her again and figure out the positive and
negative elements so that you can pass that information
on to the next Domina you see whether it is her or
someone else. Adjust your list of limits if you have
learned more about your preferences. When you call again
don't be vague saying "Hi, its Joe" - there are a lot of
guys named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name,
appearance, what you did in session, etc., without her
having to ask.
you follow My advice you will know enough about your
preferences and the protocol to realize your fantasies
with the right Dominatrix.